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MAG.E 4
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MAG.E 4 (Disk 2 of 2).adf
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@6Red Dwarf - Series 6, Episode 3 - "Gunmen of the Apocalypse"
------------------------------------------------------------
@1
Lister: Maybe it's the moonlight, but I've gotta admit you're lookin'
pretty good for a corpse.
Loretta: Philip, I can explain everything.
Lister: Lemme save you the trouble. It was you who planned Palace's murder
but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off. You decided to take
the wrap knowin' you had the perfect alibi in me, that's why you
came on so strong that night - to play me for the dum sap I am.
Loretta: It wasn't like that. Not with you.
Lister: Oh yeah?
Loretta: So what are you gonna do - turn me in? Watch me do the sit-down
dance in the electric chair at Sing Sing?
Lister: No, sweet lips - I'm gonna let you kiss me.
[pause]
Kryten: Er, Sir, I think you should come and take a look at this.
[pause]
Kryten: Sir! It really is quite urgent!
Lister: I want you, Loretta! I want your body next to mine! I want you
like you were that Tuesday night! Kiss me!
Kryten: Honestly! Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month!
[pause]
Kryten: Ooh!
[pause]
Loretta: Philip? I don't understand.
Lister: It's simple, Loretta. This isn't real - it's an A.R. computer
simulation game. I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and
wind up with the goody-goody heroine. I've played it before. It's
just that... you drive me wild - you're the sexiest computer sprite
I've ever seen!
Loretta: Oh, Philip.
Lister: I don't care that you've killed three men.
Loretta: Five.
Lister: Whatever. It's not your fault - it's the way you're programmed.
Loretta: So you take me for what I am? A psychopathic, schizophrenic,
serial killing femme fatale?
Lister: Forgive an' forget - that's what I say! Pucker up!
[pause]
Kryten: Choose your character? Ooh! Honestly! I just want to talk to
him! Oh, anything. Er, Sammy the Squib - crackshot with tommy
gun. Engage! Oh! It's so frivolous!
[pause]
Kryten: Mr Lister, Sir? Hmm. Curious.
[pause]
Lister: Hi, Kryten. What're you doin' here?
Kryten: Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan. I've
discovered minute amounts of millenium oxide in the local vicinity.
Lister: I couldn't be more please for you - see you in an hour!
Kryten: Sir! I believe we've wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant
hunting zone. That would explain the devastation on the derelicts
where we picked up this very game.
Loretta: Philip, who is it? Ooh! It's Sammy the Squib!
Kryten: Ooh! Good evening Miss.
Loretta: Don't kill me, Sammy! I'll do anything! Kill him! I'll come away
with you, Sammy. It'll be just like the old days. I never stopped
loving you, Sammy. Kiss me!
Lister: You're trash, aren't ya?
Loretta: I'm programmed to be trash.
Lister: I can't resist her, Kryten. Get back in the car! I never fall for
women who are any good for me, Kryten. It's either heartbreakers
or moral garbage on legs.
Kryten: Sir, you have to turn off the A.R. console. We have to close down
and continue on silent running in order to avoid detection.
Lister: Ten minutes!
Kryten: Sir!
Lister: Five minutes! I'll keep my hat on!
Kryten: Now!
Lister: Ooh!
Loretta: Philip?
Lister: I'll be back, sweet lips. Stay bad!
Lister: Kryten, you are a total gooseberry! Next time I play on the A.R.
machine I'm gonna give you some money an' send you to the pictures!
[pause]
Rimmer: At last! We have silent running! OK, long range scanners are
down. The only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.
Cat: OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.
[pause]
Rimmer: You took your time! Where have you been?
Lister: I was in the A.R. machine.
Rimmer: Again?
Lister: What do you mean, "again"?
Rimmer: Everybody knows you only use the A.R. machine to have sex!
Lister: That is not true!
Rimmer: Yes, "true"! It's pathetic! Watching you grind away, day after
day! You're like a dog that's missing his master's leg! That
groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee.
You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
Lister: That's an outrageous, scandalous piece of libel! I don't just play
the role-play games, what about the sporting simulations like
"Zero-G Kick Boxin'" an' "Wimbledon"?
Rimmer: You only play "Wimbledon" 'cause you're having it off with that
jail-bait ballgirl!
Lister: That is another total lie! She's not jail-bait. She's seventeen.
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point.
She's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah... what pixels!
[pause]
Lister: What's all the hullaballoo?
Cat: We've wandered into rogue simulant country.
Kryten: Bio-mechanical killers, created for a war that never took place.
Some of them escaped the dismantling program and now they prowl
around deep space, searching for a quarry worthy of their mettle.
Rimmer: I say we should abandon pursuit of Red Dwarf and feel from the
zone.
Lister: Give up the chase? You're kiddin'!
Cat: Wait - my nose is gettin' something!
Kryten: Powering up.
Rimmer: Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
Kryten: It's rogue simulants all right.
[pause]
Rimmer: Recommend immediate, total and unequivocal surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans
and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin
of the universe, Sir.
Cat: Didn't even know they'd met him!
[pause]
Kryten: Getting a message - punching it up!
Sim-Man: State your species and purpose.
Rimmer: One of us will have to speak to them. Who's the least human
looking?
[pause]
Rimmer: Listy - the mike's all yours!
Lister: Wait a minute! I've got an idea! Stall 'em with static! Er,
Kryten - mid-section, Cat - you too.
[pause]
Sim-Man: Why do you delay? State your species and purpose. You have one
minute.
Rimmer: Lister! What the hell are you doing?
Lister: Wait a minute! Nearly ready! OK, stand back and transmit!
[pause]
Sim-Woman: Incoming.
Lister: I... am Tarka D'Oll, an Ambassador to the Great Vindalooan Empire.
Sim-Man: Scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?
Lister: Humans? The Vindalooan people despise all humans! They are the
vermin of the universe! Is that not right, Bindy-Badgy?
Cat: You bet! Humans? Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!
Lister: The Vindalooan Empire has pledged to exterminate them all!
[pause]
Lister: We will not rest until that task is completed!
Rimmer: Er, Lister.
[pause]
Lister: Hi!
Cat: How's it goin', bud?
[pause]
Sim-Man: A human, and a humanoid. A hologramatical human. A mechanoid who
is a slave to humans. I had hoped for so much more.
Rimmer: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of
war - ergo we surrender! And, as prisoners of war, I invoke the
all-nations agreement, Article Number 394361-75880932/B.
Kryten: 39436175880932/B? All nations attending the conference are only
allocated one car parking space? Is that entirely relevant, Sir?
I mean, here we are in, in mortal danger and you're worried about
the Chinese delegates bringing two cars?
Rimmer: Can't you let just one go? I was talking about the right of
P.O.W.'s to non-violent constraint.
Kryten: Oh, that's 75880932/C, Sir!
Rimmer: It's embarassing as much as anything else! Here you are, totally
humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac!
(No offence!).
Sim-Man: Primitive. You'll be no sport at all! I have no alernative.
[later]
Rimmer: How long have we been out?
Lister: According to the navicom, three weeks.
Kryten: That's strange - the drive interface has been upgraded. So have
the engines.
Rimmer: And if this read-out's correct, we're armed - laser cannons!
Lister: They've totally upgraded the whole ship!
Cat: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat-tilt control!
Sim-Man: We have made some improvements to your craft. Now at least you may
prove to be of some small amusement.
Sim-Woman: You have two Earth-minutes before we attack.
Rimmer: Let's get out of here!
Cat: Wait - I know this game. It's called "Cat and Mouse", and there's
only one way to win - don't be the mouse.
Lister: What're you sayin'?
Cat: I'm sayin', the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those
lyin' cartoons. We don't run - we strike! It's the last thing
they'll be expecting.
Rimmer: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice
skating mongooses and dance the Bolero - and your plan makes about
as much sense.
Lister: I say go with it!
Kryten: Agreed.
Cat: You're gonna go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens
if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it!
[pause]
Sim-Man: What are they doing? Power up the weapons!
Lister: Nailed 'em!
Sim-Woman: Fluke hit!
Sim-Man: Take them with us!
Sim-Woman: Can't return fire!
Sim-Man: Lock into their navigation computer. Transmit the Armageddon
virus.
Lister: What is it?
Kryten: The navicom - something's wrong!
Sim-Man: See you in Silicon Hell!
[pause]
Kryten: Shut down all network links - the navicom's been infected with a
virus!
Lister: The navicom's frozen us out - we're locked on this course! If we
carry on ahead at this speed, how long before we hit trouble?
Rimmer: Well, if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our
path, about thirty eight minutes.
Kryten: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself,
analyse its structure and attempt to create a software antidote
before it wipes out my core program. Do I have your permission to
sacrifice myself, Sirs?
Rimmer: Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted!
Kryten: I'm going to have to create a "Dove" program.
Cat: Dove program?
Kryten: A Dove program spreads peace through the system, obliterating the
viral cells as it goes.
[pause]
Kryten: The virus is extremely complex. I will have to dedicate all my run
time to its solution. Shutting down all non-essential systems.
Lister: Is there anything we can do? Can we help?
Kryten: Watch my dreams.
[later]
Rimmer: Twenty three minutes to impact - any change?
Lister: Gettin' worse. Weaker and weaker.
Rimmer: Look, sooner or later we're going to have to face the fact that
we're not all going to get out of this in one piece, or if we are
it's going to be one big flat piece.
Lister: And?
Rimmer: It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.
Cat: How?
Rimmer: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and
equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on
age, rank, seniority, usefulness. To cut a long story short, it's
me! I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a
recount, but blow me - if it didn't come out as me again! Keys!
Lister: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
Rimmer: Why not?
Lister: It escaped last Thursday. I was havin' a few beers, I couldn't be
bothered movin', so I used the release mechanism as a bottle
opener.
Rimmer: That's it then, we're finished!
Cat: Wait! We're gettin' something!
[pause]
Cat: What is this?
Lister: I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Kryten's
subconscious.
Cat: Why is he a sheriff in some old Western?
Lister: Must be how his core program's copin' with the battle against the
virus. For whatever reason, it's converted the struggle into some
kind of... dream.
[pause]
Jimmy: Well, well, well, Sheriff! Fancy seein' a man o' your sober
disposition in a low-down drinking establishment.
Kryten: Now, now, boys. I don't want any trouble, I... just doin' my
rounds.
[pause]
Kryten: You shouldn't ought'a done that, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Why don't you try it, Sheriff? They say you used to be faster than
a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.
Kryten: Sorry I tripped over your boot there, Mr Jimmy, Sir. Ahem. Didn't
mean any harm by it.
[pause]
Kryten: Gimme two fingers of your best sippin' liquor, Miss Lola - and make
it the smooth stuff, the stuff where you get your eyesight back
after two days, guaranteed.
Jimmy: The Apocalypse boys is here!
[pause]
Man: They's asking for you, Sheriff.
Kryten: I'll be right out.
[pause]
Kryten: Ah! I don't believe I've had the pleasure, Sirs.
[pause]
Death: Name's Death. These here are my brothers; Brother War... Brother
Famine... Brother Pestilence.
Kryten: Well, you seem like a nice, neighbourly bunch of boys! How can I
be of service?
[pause]
Death: We want your sorry ass outta here! You got one hour.
[pause]
Lister: He's losin' the battle! Look at his life signs - they're barely
registerin'!
Cat: Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow
turn ourselves into tiny, electronic people and get into his
dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lyin' around someplace that
could do that? And if not, why not?
Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion,
but I think from now on, the thing you should bring is silence.
Lister: No, no, no! I think he's got somethin'!
Cat: Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!
Lister: I we link up the Artificial Reality console to Kryten's mind, we
should be able to project directly into his dream state like it was
a normal computer game.
Cat: What did I tell you? We don't even have to leave the room!
Rimmer: What about me?
Lister: We'll shut down all extraneous systems and power up your hard light
drive. Come on guys, let's get these wagons rollin'!
[pause]
Lister: There you are. I've loaded in a cartridge from an A.R. Western
game. Choose a player from one to three.
Cat: Two!
Lister: There you go - you're the Riviera Kid. Special skills: ace gun
slinger. Rimsy?
Rimmer: Uno.
Lister: One. Dangerous Dan McGrue! Special skills: bare fist fightin'.
Which leaves me... with Brett Riverboat - knifeman!
Rimmer: And we definately can't get hurt?
Lister: No, it's just like a normal computer game. You can get out at any
time. There's a button on the inside of your glove. When you want
to get out, just clap!
[pause]
Lister: OK, Riviera? OK, Dangerous? Let's mosey on into town!
[later]
Rimmer: I've seen Westerns - I know how speak cowboy. Leave the talking to
me.
[pause]
Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please. And what about you two chaps?
Lister: Rimmer, what Westerns have you seen? Butch Accountant and the
Yuppie Kid?
Cat: Leave this to me. This sounds like one for... the Riviera Kid!
[pause]
Cat: Eh! Senorita! Tres tequila, por favora.
Lola: What?
Lister: He means, three shots of gulpin' whiskey, ma'am.
Cat: Si!
[pause]
Lister: Very smooth!
Cat: I was expecting something with a leetle more keeck to eet!
Rimmer: I don't suppose you've got any ginger ale mixers? I'll take that
as a no, then. I'll have it neat.
[pause]
Rimmer: Bluurrggghhh!
[pause]
McGee: A man who beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee, is either
mighty brave, or mighty stupid. Which are you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what were the choices again?
Lister: You'll have to forgive our friend. He's a couple of gunmen short
of a posse.
McGee: Yeah, that pays for the hat, now what about the insult?
Rimmer: OK, you're a fat bearded git with breath that could @@
Lister: Take a walk, man! Rimmer, what is wrong with you?
Rimmer: Relax! You said yourself, Lister, no one can hurt us! Besides,
your forgetting - I'm Dangerous Dan McGrue, bare-fist fighter
extraordinaire!
[pause]
Kryten: Miss Lola - all my valuables are in this here box. You can have it
all for one bottle of mind rotter.
Lola: You're tradin' in your shootin' irons?
Kryten: No use to me. I got the shakes so bad I'm like a couple of
porcupines on their weddin' night.
Lola: Carrots?
Kryten: I'm throwin' in my mule, Dignity.
Rimmer: Mr Sad Git, or what?
Lister: Kryten, it's us man.
Kryten: Sorry friend, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Lister: Kryten, don't you know who we are? Why you're here? You're
fighting an electronic virus - you're tryin' to create a Dove
program - some kind of software antidote to wipe it out.
Kryten: I'll drink to that!
Cat: Listen, @ pooch head, the virus is winning - you gotta get your
head together and start fighting it.
[pause]
Jimmy: Wanna drink, Sheriff? Huh? Why don't you come and take one?
Kryten: Now, now, Jimmy. There's, there's no need to be goin' makin' me
look foolish.
Jimmy: Come on, Sheriff - jump! Well, you can get higher than that!
Lister: Leave him alone!
Jimmy: Just havin' a little fun, Mr Swanky-Pants.
Lister: The name's Brett Riverboat... knife-man. (Let's see how good you
are).
[pause]
Jimmy: Frank! Duke! Line his lungs with lead!
[pause]
Jimmy: Who in the heck are you?
Cat: Dey call me dee Keed! Dee Riviera Keed!
Jimmy: Well, Riviera Kid, let's see if your shootin's as fancy as your
dancin'!
[pause]
Jimmy: He shot the damn bullets outta the air!
Kryten: Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys, but er, if I'm not
out of here by sun-up, the buzzards'll be fightin' the lizards for
my gizzards!
Lister: If he leaves town, we're dead! Stop him!
[pause]
Cat: Vamanos, mos chachos!
Rimmer: Marvellous!
Cat: HEY, BUDDY!
Rimmer: HOLD IT!
Lister: YOU GOTTA STAY!
Cat: Dis ees a job for dee Riviera Keed!
[later]
Kryten: But boys, you don't understand! I've got to leave! Look! It's
ten to Death!
Lister: OK, we've got ten minutes. Let's sober him up an' get him into
shape. C'mon!
[later]
Kryten: Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.
Lister: Two more bowls.
Kryten: But I... Sir, I am sober, honest!
Lister: OK. Who are you, and why are you here?
Kryten: I'm some kind of robot, who's fighting this virus, and none of this
exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do
exist, only your not really here, you're really on some spaceship
in the future. Hell! If that's gotta make sense, I don't wanna be
sober!
Cat: I've got his guns back! But look at the handles - they've got
little doves carved on them. And check this - there's no place for
the bullets to go!
Lister: This is it, Kryten. The answer's in these guns, some how. Doves -
Dove program?
Kryten: I don't know, I... I, I really don't know.
[pause]
Kryten: Wait. Something's coming back now. You Sir, whenever I look at
you I get an image of, of curry and early morning breath that could
cut through bank vaults. You Sir, there's something familiar about
you too, I get a name... Smeeeg... Smeeegheeed!
Rimmer: Smeghead?
Kryten: That's it!
Rimmer: He remembers me!
Lister: Please, Kryten - do the guns mean anythin' to ya?
Kryten: Something... yes, they mean something... Oh! If only I had more
time!
Cat: Pssst! Company!
[pause]
Death: Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff.
Kryten: Now I remember you - you're a computer virus! Travelling from
machine to machine, over-riding the core program.
Death: Have infection, will travel. Let's see if we can't tip the balance
a little here.
[pause]
Cat: What ees he doing?
Rimmer: He's stalling. He's spotted us for what we are. A bunch of mean,
macho, bad arsed desperados, who are gonna kick his bony butt clean
across the pacos. Enjoy the show.
[pause]
Rimmer: Who's got the guts to go with me one on one? Hand to hand? Mano a
mano?
Lister: Cover him.
[pause]
Cat: Damn! I lost my special skills!
[pause]
Lister: Rimmer! The virus has spread to the A.R. unit! We've lost our
special skills!
Rimmer: Ah! Mr War, Sir. It would appear that due to circumstances
completely beyond my control, there's been a bit of a cock-up in
the bravado department... Ugh! I may indeed have come across
as being more brave than in fact I am. Ugh!
Lister: Exit! Exit!
[pause]
Lister: We're sealed in!
Cat: Get the helmets off!
Rimmer: It won't move!
Lister: There's a flap at the back!
Cat: Aargh! I'll do it with my gloves off! @
Rimmer: Oh, brilliant! Now you're paralysed completed down your left hand
side!
Lister: Me nose!
Cat: Got it!
Lister: You're pullin' me nose off!
Cat: Here it comes!
Lister: Me nose is comin' off! Aargh!
[pause]
Death: We're gonna cut you up so small the worms won't even have to chew.
Rimmer: You can't frighten me - I'm a coward! I'm always scared! LISTER!
Cat: What now?
Lister: It's down to Kryten.
Death: Well, Sheriff. Now it's just little old you.
Kryten: I'm not afraid, Mr Death, Sir. I believe my friends have bought me
enough time to complete the antidote program. Now, if you'll
forgive the rather confrontational imperative... go for your guns,
you scum-suckin' molluscs!
[pause]
Kryten: I did it! I created an antidote!
Lister: Two minutes to impact! Come on!
[pause]
Rimmer: How long will it take?
Kryten: Just a few seconds. How long 'til impact?
Rimmer: Just a few seconds!
Kryten: Loading it up - it's gone in the navicom!
Rimmer: Eight seconds... seven!
Kryten: Nearly there!
Cat: Five... four... three... two...
Lister: We're not gonna make it!
Cat: One! IMPACT!
[pause]
Group: YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
@2[End of Episode 3]